Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Marriage for Sex or Companionship?

I’m reading this book called “The Secrets of Happily Married Women, How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less,” by Scott Haltzman, M.D. and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo.

I was sold after reading the title. Even though I know marriage takes work, I’m all for finding out how to work smarter, not harder. In the book, Dr. Haltzman shares secrets in several chapters including Know Your Husband, Fight Better, Talk Less and Have Lots of Sex. It took everything I had not to skip directly to that chapter, but I didn’t. I’ve read through most of the book (which has a lot of good advice) and just finished the sex chapter.

There’s too much in it to break everything down in just a couple of paragraphs, but one thing that he wrote definitely stands out. In it, he says that, “He Only Married You For The Sex.” Yup, he’s serious. My interpretation of what he is saying is that sexual passion and attraction trumps companionship and friendship. That sex is the “primary reason” you’re married and that it should be one of the most important aspects of your relationship. While I agree that it is one of the most important aspects of a relationship – especially to men; I’m not sure I’m on board with it being the main reason that a man marries a woman.

One of the examples he uses to illustrate his point is about companionship. He believes that you have companionship with friends and roommates, but no desire to marry them due to lack of sexual attraction. But, your husband chose you for the sexual attraction. Um, maybe it’s just me, but I thought that most men are attracted to almost any 38DD that bounces by them on the street. OK, I’m being a little facetious here, but men are attracted to women — especially beautiful, curvaceous, sexy women. As much as I would like to think that I am the only one that my husband could possibly find attractive, I do live in the real world and know that that is not the case. So, that leads me to think the opposite of the author’s theory. That yes, he is sexually attracted to me, but something about my companionship, about my friendship stands out. It’s special and it trumps his desire to have sex with all of those other beautiful, curvaceous, sexy women.

I definitely encourage you to check out the book and see what you think. I’ve got two more chapters to go until I get to the epilogue, When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy — I love that — and have found it to be an interesting and informative read. I enjoy reading about marriage and taking in different points of view.

So, how about you? Do you know why your husband married you? Was it for the fabulous sex you have, for your special friendship, or maybe you won him over with both. Inquiring minds want to know…



Becoming Me said...

Interesting post. My husband married me for life-long companionship and we waited until we were married to have sex, but it is a very vital and important aspect of our married lives.

Corinne said...

Wifey, I totally agree with you. My husband and I have very similar tastes and views, though we don't always see eye to eye. He is my best friends, and I can talk to him about anything. I also know he feels the same way about me. Although great, I think the sex is just an added bonus. I'll have to check that book out - it definitely sounds interesting. Great review! said...

The title of your post TOTALLY grabbed my attention. #1, sorry, but the book sounds like a load of C.R.A.P. - I know the reason my husband married me, was because there's MORE to our relationship than sex. One of the reasons I married him, was BECAUSE there was more to me for him than sex. I think a marriage that is based on sex or revolves around sex needs reevaluation - cuz when the spark fizzles out, what's left?

Wifey said...

Great comments! Glad to hear that I'm not alone. Could you imagine the pressure to perform if he really did marry you just for sex - yikes!

Dr Haltzman said...

Hi Wifey,

Thanks for taking the time to read my book. I ran across your blog, and I think you gave a very thoughtful reading to my book, especially the chapter about sex. Gave me food for thought, anyway.

One area of possible clarification is that I wrote, “He ONLY married you for the sex”; I didn’t write “He married you ONLY for the sex” and I think it’s important to distinguish between the two. I hope he married you (and that your readers’ husbands married THEM) for more than sex; most men are eager to say that they strongly value the emotional connection they have with their wives, that they enjoy their company, their humor, their spirit as much as, if not more than, their good looks. If those guys are lucky, they also learn a whole lot more about themselves and relationships because of what their wives bring into their lives. (In fact, lots of guys don’t have any idea that that’s part of what they get when they marry; they only learn that later on.)

I think the main point of this section is that many individuals (and, since this particular book is written with women in mind, in this book I am talking to women) think that sex is a “add on” to marriage, to be engaged in when all aspects of the relationship are going well, and to be avoided if there is any sign of dissatisfaction with the relationship. I don’t believe the case, and I wanted women to understand why most men don’t believe this is so either.

Hope you enjoy the last 2 chapter!

Scott Haltzman, MD

Wifey said...

Thanks, Dr. Haltzman, for commenting and weighing in with your thoughts.

As I said in my post, I enjoy reading about marriage and hearing various points of view - even if I don't agree with all of them. I read Take Charge of Your Own Happiness last night and thought it was right on point - especially the Marriage Myths. Looking foward to finishing the rest.

Thanks & Smiles,

Person(Also Known As Mommy) said...

I have to agree with Haltzman. Maybe that puts me in the minority, especially among women, but sex is not just a "pleasant add on" to our married life.

We're best friends. We are intellectual equals, emotional confidants, and we nourish eachother's souls in a way that no other person can....but one of our most important roles in eachother's life is lover.

If we didn't have sex we'd be best friends not husband and wife. Sex is absolutely essential to our relationship-and while it may not be the foundation of our relationship without it our marriage wouldn't be the wonderful relationship it is.

Wifey said...

Very well said - smiles! In addition to being fun, sex definitely differentiates between lovers and friends; and should not be overlooked or treated like an "add on."

Hopefully this train of thought is not the minority.

While I believe that sex is one of the most important aspects of a marriage, I still think that my personality trumped sexual attraction as the reason why he married me. Both were involved, but my personality made him pick me out of all of the other sexually attractive women he could have chosen.

Thanks for weighing in!