Batting Ballerina

No, this is no April Fools’, that’s my multi-talented daughter knocking one out of the park … on Wii … in her ballerina tutu.

Yes, this is what spring break has come to. I’m half way through three weeks of spring break and we’re all still smiling – sort of.

And, yes, she does reading time in her tutu, too.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Wait! Do you do your ‘do the way your husband likes it? Yup, we’re dishing about hair this week at Ask Wifey. Come chime in …

There's a Coup Going on at Wifey's House

There’s a coup going on at Wifey’s House … and here’s the culprit leading the revolt.



Its not like he’s trying to overthrow me, but he damn sure isn’t trying to listen. And yes, it’s a dictatorship at Wifey’s House. I, ahem, I mean Husband and I run the place.

Now don’t get me wrong, Miles is a sweetheart. He brought home all A’s on his last report card, he cleans his room without being asked, and he looks out for his baby sister. So, what’s the problem? He doesn’t listen when I tell him to do things. I heard myself practically begging him to get dressed this morning and it made me cringe. I come from the ol’ school when-mom-says-jump-ask-how-high mentality. I’m the only one jumping at Wifey’s House right now. Oh, HELL no! Things are about to change.

One of the best things that have come from me writing my Ask Wifey column is it forces me to think logically. In times of conflict or confusion I constantly find myself taking a deep breath and asking, "what would Wifey say?" If someone sent in a question with my exact scenario it would take me two minutes to spit out the answer – no more threats, act swiftly, dish out consequences, and maintain control. I shouldn’t have to ask a 7 year-old to do something more than one time – period. Especially if he wants to play with his Nintendo DS, MP3 player or any of the other little gadgets that his father and I were kind enough to give him.

So, it’s time to practice what I preach. There’s a coup going on at Wifey’s House, but I’m flipping the script and counter revolting. If anyone has any good tactics now would be the time to share.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Stop! Before you go, head over to Ask Wifey. This week’s Q&A is up and I’m dishing about fighting fair with your husband and the classic toilet seat trauma. I know you’ve got two cents!

The Power of the Jedi Mind

When I first started this blog I fell into the habit of writing Friday Confessions – posts where I would voluntarily tell on myself about something I probably shouldn’t have thought, said or did.

Don’t ask.

Looks like I’m at it again.

I Jedi mind-tricked the kids into using Target gift cards they got for Christmas to buy underwear for themselves.

I was folding clothes and saw firsthand that new underwear was in desperate need at Wifey’s House. Besides, Miles decided he wanted boxers anyway.

So, I saw the gift cards and excitedly told the kids…

“Ooh, look. Gift cards to Target! Miles you could get those new boxers you want and Milan could get some pretty princess panties! Yay! Sounds like a great idea, right, right? Yay! Yay!”

Yeah, I know. The only things missing were my pompoms and a megaphone.

Their response…

“Cool! Yes! Mom, you’re the best! Will you get them for us! Please, please!”

Oh, and Milan sealed the deal with a really high-pitch scream.

When I told Husband he shook his head and said that I was dead-ass wrong.

If he only knew how many times he’s been Jedi mind-tricked, too.

Shh ... and may the force be with you, too.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Where Did My Baby Go?

The conversation during the car ride to school this morning went something like this:

“Mama, I don’t want to wear Spider-man on my underwear anymore.”

That would be my 7-year-old, Miles, informing me of his new choice in undergarments.

Gasp!

That would be me, surprised that Mr. Spider-man himself is ready to give up his webbed drawers.

“You don’t?”

“Nope. No more Spider-man or Transformers.”

“Well what do you want to wear?”

“Boxers!”

A long pause and a few deep breaths.

“OK, but why don’t you want to wear Spider-man anymore?

He thought about how to break it to me gently then said…

“I’m growing up, Mama.”

Right.



Where did my baby go? And, what’s next? At least he still kissed me goodbye before he hopped out the car.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

The Crazy Lady in the Carpool Line

The car ride to school was unusually peaceful this morning … right until we pulled up to the front of the drop-off line at school. You know, so everyone could witness my drama.

That’s when I heard a big ruckus in the backseat and turned around to see my children fighting their way to the front to kiss me goodbye. Sweet, right? Yeah, I wish it was all about me but they really only care who gets to do it first.

So I stop the car, turn around, pry them apart and a nice gentleman from the school working the carpool line opens the door just in time to hear me yell. That’s when my son starts crying and screams…

“Mommy, YOU poked me in the eye.”

WTF? Why is everything always my fault? Mind you no parts of my body came anywhere near his eyes.

So now I’ve changed from the crazy lady in the store to the crazy lady in the carpool line.

Great. And, it’s only 9 a.m. Happy Friday…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Do You Believe in Magic?

If you believe in magic and possibly know how to conjure up a little of your own, you and I need to chat.

If you know how to be in two places at once that’s a secret that would help me a lot right now. If you know how to snap your fingers and poof, your house is clean, or even better if you have the cleaning fairy’s cell phone please leave it in a comment below… I’ve been trying to reach her for awhile now. And finally, I’m still trying to figure out how to add more hours to my day. If anyone has cracked the code to that age old classic, I could really use that info.

So, did I mention things have been a little busy around Wifey’s House recently? How about your house? How do you manage to get everything done without a little magic? Busy moms want to know…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Don't Wake the Baby!

Friday’s confession…

I have the terrible habit of laughing at some of the things my children do and say that should solicit a more, ahem, parental response. Thank God for Husband or we would all be a hot mess.

For instance, Milan put her baby doll to sleep the other day. It was all nice and neatly tucked into its baby carrier. After she put the baby down on the couch she looked at us both sweetly and said, shh, please talk softly so that you don’t wake up my baby.”

Both Husband and I shrugged our shoulders alright. I guess that wasn’t good enough for Miss Milan because she responded quickly, “if you wake my baby up, she’ll reach out and scratch you!”

Gasp! WTF? Where did that come from?

After ducking away to hide my laughter I pulled myself together enough to tell her that I hope she is teaching her baby that scratching people is not a nice thing to do.

Yes, my darling dear had answer for that one, too.

“I tell her, Mama, but she just doesn’t listen.”

Hmm, sounds familiar.

How about you? Are you good at keeping a straight face in front of your children or do you laugh out loud? Silly moms want to know…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Front Seat Access

OK, is it me or does it seem like there are more children riding in the front seats of cars these days? I just got in from running, ahem, jogging, and saw a child that couldn’t have been more than 8 years old ride by in the front passenger seat of a car. And, yesterday when I picked the kids up from school, a little boy hopped in the front passenger side, too, and he didn’t look a day over 9. I even saw a little girl who looked like she might be 6, if that, slip into the front.

What’s with all of the front seat access? Did I miss some recall or change in the law that states kids are now safe in the front and that the airbags won’t kill them anymore? I’m not passing judgment, really, I’m not, I just hate to see kids put in dangerous situations, especially when they don’t have to be. All the cars had huge, empty back seats. Really they did, I looked.

I also looked at this…

The front flip sun visor in my SUV.

Is it just me? I’m not a neurotic, strict-rule abiding parent by any means, but come on…who really wants the little jokers (and all of their toys) in the front seat with them anyway?

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

I'm a Crust Cutter... and I'm Proud

Friday’s confession…

OK folks, brace yourselves, this is a big one. I, um… cut the crust off of my kids’ sandwiches. Gasp!

I know, I know. What kind of mother am I, right? Catering to their every whim. It’s just that I don’t particularly like the crust on my sandwiches either, but I’m a grown up now so chopping the ends off of my bread seems a bit, well, childish. So, I eat mine – sometimes – and cut theirs off since I know they don’t like it.

While I’m telling on myself, I might as well admit that I don’t make them eat things that they don’t like either. Gasp! Gasp! OK, please don’t take my Mom Card – I didn’t say that I don’t make them eat; I make them try things, but if they truly don’t like them then I don’t force them to eat it.

That’s probably because I remember sitting at the kitchen table for what seems like hours with a plate of cold lima beans and chicken livers in front of me that I was told I had to eat before I could get up. Yuck.

There are many things that my parents did that I swore I would never do and of course I find myself doing most of them. But, this is not one of them. I kept my promise and am not sad to say that a chicken liver has never graced my kitchen table.

Thank goodness for my parents, my mother-in-law and my husband because they expose the kids to foods that I don’t particularly like. I do my best to use my poker face and let them form their own opinions, but I’m quick to come to their rescue if they sit down with a big old bowl of Brussels sprouts and find out their little tastebuds don’t quite like them.

How about you? Are you a crust cutter or food forcer? Finicky-eating moms want to know…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

The Hair Police Not Only Stopped Me, They Were Riding in My Car!

The conversation on the car ride home from Miles’ dentist appointment yesterday was informative to say the least. As we stopped at a shopping center to run into the grocery store Miles happily told me…

“Mama you should go in there!”

The sign read Beauty Mart.

“Really, why?”

Duh. Just slap me now. I don’t know why I asked.

“Because you NEED to get your hair done.”

Thank goodness I wasn’t feeling particularly vulnerable yesterday or my outburst of laughter could have easily been crying. WTF? I thought I was cute rockin’ my baseball hat and ponytail. I even did my make up.

This is the same kid who is the first to tell me how pretty I look without prompting when I get all dolled up, so I’m inclined to think he’s telling the truth.

Damn.

My ego has since recovered, but yes, I can be a tad shallow… by the end of the day my ‘do was done!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Sleep Struggles #2

It must be the age. I’ve posted in the past about my son and his sleep issues – particularly his waking up in the middle of the night and being scared to sleep in his room by himself. Well thankfully he’s moved past that. I’ve also mentioned how my daughter is fearless and doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything… until last night. Now she’s afraid of the toys in her room, the dark, and the fuzzy thing in the corner (I haven’t figured out what that is yet).

While she was pretty calm about being scared, she still made it to my room three times last night and got me up out of the bed twice. I’m hoping that this is just a phase that she’s going to move through quickly. Miles’ phase was more like a really, really long period of time.

Little girl, like her mama, loves her sleep. I’m counting on that working in my favor. In the meantime, I’ll be doing my best to stay patient and will be trying to find ten minutes here and there to power nap throughout the day. How about you? Do your kids ever keep you up at night? What do you do to make it through? Sleepy parents want to know…

My little angel will get her sleep on under any circumstances – even uncomfortable ones!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Planes, Trains and ... the Dog?

Friday’s confession…

Husband and I are going to an adult wedding this weekend. I love a good wedding, especially when I get to go act like an adult.

So, in all of my excitement I diligently made plans and handled all of the important details for the weekend like making sure the kids are taken care of, that all of the travel arrangements were done, finding just the right outfit to make me look fabulous while hiding the extra pounds I’m still trying to work off, and even picking up quart size plastic bags for the liquids in our carry-on bags.

Yeah, I was feeling pretty good about myself until around 4:55 p.m. yesterday afternoon when I went to feed the dog.

Oh, *%$#! The dog! Yes, I forgot to make arrangements for my Nina. Damn. It’s a quick trip, but she’s still got to eat, pee and poop! So, at five of five yesterday afternoon I frantically searched for a reputable vet to board my dog since our regular vet, and almost every other one, was full because of the Memorial Day Weekend.

I finally found a great place for her to go and made arrangements for her to get pampered while she’s there – she’s going to get a bath and her nails done!

Problem solved and she’s none the wiser. You would think she would be the first one in the house that I would look out for since she’s the only one who listens and doesn’t talk back.



My Nina pie!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Mother's Day is Over

Riding home from Miles’ team pizza party last night I told little girl that she had to go first in the bath. She replied…

“Why can’t we flip a coin and then I can say ‘heads’ and we can see who goes first from there?”

“Because it would be helpful to mommy if you just went first tonight.”

“But mama, it’s NOT Mother’s Day!”

See what I’m working with here…

Ha.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Are You Smarter Than A First Grader, Part II?

Apparently, Wifey is!

I got a 98, ahem, I mean Miles got a 98 on his homework that sparked the first Are You Smarter Than A First Grader? earlier this week. I couldn’t resist sharing my vindication.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Are You Smarter Than A First Grader?

Apparently, Wifey is not.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I did until I sat down with Miles at 7 p.m. last night to finish his homework – yes I waited until the last minute, and yes I paid for it dearly.

He had eight questions to answer about the city and state where we live. Without boring you – and embarrassing myself – with the details, let’s just say I got stuck on question four and it went downhill from there.

After taking two hours to do what should’ve taken 30 minutes, I finally, I mean Miles finally finished his homework and went to bed. Once the frustration settled, I ruled out a conspiracy theory and decided that I was just tired from a long weekend and that my mind wasn’t working at full speed. I graduated with honors from college; I must be smarter than a first grader right?

How about you? Have you ever gotten stumped with your child’s homework? Smart moms want to know…

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Why Are YOU So Mean to Me?

I love my baby girl. I just love her so much… but man she caused a ruckus in Wifey’s House yesterday. I don’t understand how one adorable, little four-year-old princess can be sweet as pie one minute, and then turn on you instantly.

“Why are YOU so mean to me?”

Yup, that would be Milan, questioning me intently, while crying hysterically. Right. Like I made her totally ignore me at Miles tennis lessons, run onto the court and ask the coach for a sticker. I understand the fascination four-year-old girls have with stickers, so I told her to come here and I would make sure she got a special sticker when we got home. Gosh, I’m mean. Yeah. It’s my fault that she didn’t listen when I told her to get off of the court and to come over to me. Yup, that was exactly what I wanted to happen in the middle of the tennis center, while everyone was watching my child try to see how far she can push me. Just as I started to feel like the crazy lady in the store again, she finally walked, correction, stormed off of the court, ran down the sidewalk then crouched down into the proper pouting position. After stomping her feet and giving me the I-hate-you-stare-down, she stopped on the sidewalk directly in front of the car and folded her arms across her chest. Oh no, just wait, it gets better…

Miles saw trouble coming and got in the car quickly to watch it unfold. I looked at her sternly and told her to get in the car. She stood there, lips poked out, still giving me the ice-cold stare-down.

Are you kidding? My four-year-old daughter is playing chicken with me. So I did what anyone who wants to pretend like they have some semblance of control would do… I called her bluff.

I opened my door and looked at her.

She didn’t move.

I got in and closed my door.

Not a flinch.

I strapped on my seat belt.

Damn, she didn’t budge. This girl is good. I actually started to get a little nervous that I was going to have to fold and go get her until I put the key in the ignition and turned on the car …

Vroom…

Next thing I knew, a little blonde blur whizzed by, hopped in the car and was strapped into her booster seat.

Chalk one up for Wifey.

OK, I can admit it, I’m a softy and I told her immediately that there is NO WAY I would ever leave her anywhere, but, I also told her that her behavior was unacceptable and she had to go to bed for the rest of the night. To which she responded…

“Why are YOU so mean to me?”

Yup, here we go again.

Notice the emphasis on you. What sucks is I’m really not mean. In fact, I’m way too lenient, which is probably why she thinks she could get away with something like that in the first place. I’ve got a firecracker on my hands. While I love her independence and determination, she still needs to learn boundaries and how to channel it.

Did I mention she’s only four? Something tells me I should be afraid… very afraid. How about you? Are you as mean as Wifey? Have your children blamed you for not having enough stickers, for Greg leaving The Wiggles or any other major catastrophes they’ve recently faced. Mean mommies want to know…

Smiles,
Wifey

Drama Queen

It’s Monday morning and Milan made sure I knew it. After mornings like this – filled with crying, whining, complaining and more drama than one little four year old should be able to dish out – I like to remember times like this…



… when all I can do is giggle at my little drama queen.

Happy Monday.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Sleep Struggles

Sleep. If anybody has some, I need it — for me and for Miles. We are nearing the end of spring break and are starting to slip back into our regular routines so that next week won’t be a mess. That includes Miles sleeping in his own bed in his own room. For the past several months sleeping at night has been a struggle for Miles. He gets scared and wants to sleep in Milan’s room. Milan on the other hand isn’t scared of squat, loves to sleep and only wants him in there when she feels like staying up to play. That’s my girl.

Anyway, Miles came out of his room more than ten times last night. He had to pee and poop at least five times. He was hot, he itched, and had a host of other problems that never surface in Milan’s room. Although, I am very sympathetic to how he feels – I was that child that got scared in the middle of the night and called my mother, too – I don’t want to enable his fears. We’ve been through long talks, sleeping with the lights on, and checking the closet and under the bed. Husband even gave him a little toy baseball bat to help him feel safe and none of it has really done the trick. He’s got to learn to trust that he is safe in his own bed and that mommy and daddy are here to protect him.

Miles is a smart one and I know he has a plan. See, he knows how much I love to get my sleep at night and figures if he disrupts me enough, I’ll give in and let him go back to Milan’s room. Not that that has ever happened before, ahem, but I’m sure he thinks it will work. Not this time. I really want to help my baby conquer his fear so I’m in this for the long haul – sleep or no sleep.

I’ve promised him that he can have his friend, Cameron, come for a sleepover, but he has to be able to sleep in his room by himself first. He’s really excited about it, so hopefully that will speed up the process. Until then, I’ll be sympathetically standing my ground for the greater good of a full night sleep. Suggestions and sob stories are always welcome…

Sleepy Winks,
Wifey

Mama Needs a Makeover

Is spring break ever going to end?

A few days ago I was watching The Today Show and they were doing mom makeovers, so my son tells me in that brutally honest, I mean straightforward and loving way that kids so naturally do, that I need a makeover, too.

“Oh, really. Thanks, Miles.”

"You’re welcome," he answers, smiling.

“Do I really look that bad?”

I know, I know, I may as well have taped a big red bull’s-eye to my forehead.

“Yeah, you do,” he says, still smiling.

Thank God I have a sense of humor. Before I could pick up my ego off the floor he adds…

“Oh, and I think you should be a little richer, too!”

Ha. At least he didn’t call me stupid.

Much to Miles’ dismay his broke, need-a-makeover-mama will have to wait until next Wednesday to get her highlights done. In the meantime, my blog and website are getting their makeovers. My site, AskWifey.com, just got freshened up with a bright new color scheme; and Wifey’s House is getting a new look designed by the fabulous Trendy Mommy Blog Designs, courtesy of one of my favorite reads, Un-domestic Mama. I entered her contest and won!

Take a trip over to AskWifey.com and let me know how you like it. I’ll keep you posted on Wifey’s House and my personal makeover. As for being a little richer, I’m with Miles on that one, and working on it, too!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

That Crazy Lady in the Store

Have you ever seen that crazy lady in the store? You know the one whose kids are misbehaving and she is desperately trying to stay calm, cool and keep from unraveling while her kids are paying her absolutely no mind.

Well, yeah. Yesterday that crazy lady in the store was me. I was ordering t-shirts for Miles’ T-ball team parents when both Miles and Milan decided to get a little too silly. I told them to stop. They completely ignored me. I told them again. They acted like I wasn’t even there. In the meantime, the woman behind the counter kept trying to finish the order while giving me that look — you know the one that says, poor lady, she can’t handle her kids.

After quietly yelling at them to stop literally 10 times then explaining the definition of the word, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, like I was watching that crazy lady in the store while wondering who are these kids and why the hell are they acting like this?

Most of the time, they behave. It may take three stops for them to actually do it, but I’m normally not that crazy lady in the store so when it happened I didn’t quite know what to do.

I’m glad to say we all survived. Husband says I’m way too lenient, and that I really need to turn into a crazy lady and scare the mess out of them so they’ll know never to do it again.

What about you? Have you ever been that crazy lady in the store, wondering who are these kids and how did we get here? What did you do? This crazy lady would love to know …

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey